Three Years
by AliyahNCIS
Summary: It's been a long time since he's visited her. But it's been three years and some things still need to be said.


_A/N: This story is for JibbsGal1, because something she said inspired me, and because she's one of my favourite people, and plus, she's awesome! :) Hope this makes up for the finale hun! Aliyah._

Gibbs walked slowly up the hill in the huge green cemetery, a bouquet of flowers held loosely in one hand. He was a little nervous. It had been awhile and if she was here right now, the fiery redhead he had loved would've had something to say about him not visiting.

When he reached the top, where a decent sized stone monument stood, Gibbs was grateful for the bench nearby so he could sit a moment and try to figure out what to say. He looked down at the flowers, those special orchids she'd always loved. Something about a plant her mom had given her when she was nine. At least, that's how he remembered her starting the story in Paris.

_Paris_. The city itself was beautiful, but since the undercover assignment with his then partner eleven years ago, all he could think of was them in that sweltering attic, them climbing the steps of the Eiffel Tower, them falling in love so fast and so hard that he'd barely had time to catch his breath. And then she was gone. But at least then when she'd left, Gibbs had known she was still alive. Now, looking at the stone that marked the grave where her body lay, he wished he didn't know the truth.

Stamping down the memories because he couldn't afford to have them hurt anymore, Gibbs cleared his throat. "Hey Jen," he said quietly, though his voice sounded loud in the empty cemetery. He wasn't sure what to say after that. Feeling stupid, he held up the wrapped bouquet. "I brought you flowers. Better late than never, right?" Gosh, he wished this wasn't so hard.

Gibbs took a step forward and laid the flowers on the ground in front of the monument. His eyes traced the words carved in stone. _Jennifer Shepard 1971-2008 Director of NCIS Dedicated her life to serving her country_. They hadn't been able to put "killed in the line of duty" on, because no one was to know that it wasn't her body that burned when he and Mike set fire to Jenny's townhouse to hide the evidence of the loose ends they'd finally tied up from that long ago mission.

Looking around and seeing nobody who might witness this private meeting, Gibbs sighed and stared down at the level ground under which Jenny's body lay. "I miss you, Jen." He rubbed one hand over his face. "I miss how your eyes sparkled when you were teasing me. I miss how your hair felt laying on my skin at night. I miss how hot you always looked in those fancy outfits you wore." He looked away. "I miss loving you Jenny."

A thousand memories vied for his attention but Gibbs could only handle seeing flashes of them. Her first night as Director, sitting in his basement handling his tools, her legs crossed in that short skirt as if she thought he wouldn't notice. And not too many hours later when he'd dragged her out of her house in the middle of the night to be his partner on a stakeout. Gibbs grinned at the memory of Jenny's hand over his mouth when he'd started reminiscing.

He thought of the night he had Zach and Jenny came, looking pretty amazing in that sparkly green dress. He remembered standing with her on the catwalk, watching Zach in the bullpen with the team, and their conversation about kids. Gibbs' memories led him back to MTAC, where he and Jenny had spent hours together while Tony and Ziva went undercover as assassins at a hotel. They'd laughed and smiled a lot that time. Though the days when their heated arguments and fights for the upper hand became public knowledge, because they couldn't keep it down, were memorable too.

Then there was dinner in her office a couple of times, the way he kept dropping by her house unannounced, his way of barging into her office just to keep her on her toes. Gibbs thought of the day she was kidnapped and he wasn't sure they'd get her back alive. He would've done anything the men had asked. Or when he woke up from his coma to see her standing there, and even though he didn't remember her, they still had a connection.

The night he left the team in Tony's hands, and then came back four months later to save Ziva. He still had his copy of the picture of Jenny in front of the farmhouse in Serbia. She knew he remembered, but some things were not safe to talk about. He didn't regret coming back. What he did regret was sending Tony and Ziva with her to LA when it should've been him watching her back. They were partners, after all.

That phone call, when he'd expected Jenny to answer, and heard instead the pause, and Tony's heavy voice saying, "She's gone Boss. I'm-we're so sorry." He couldn't decide which was worse, being told that Jenny was dead before he even got a chance to say goodbye, or to say that he was a fool for turning down her offer to stay the night she had Carson over. He'd regretted his answer as soon as he stepped out the door, but his stupid pride kept him from going back in to tell her so. Or what came next.

And then Mike had to go and tell him about the last conversation he and Jenny shared. "She still loved you Probie. Leaving you was one of her biggest regrets. If she hadn't been sick, I think she might've give the two of you another shot. As it was, she was pushing you away so it wouldn't hurt so much."

Gibbs stared at the tombstone as if by sheer will he could bring Jenny back. But he tried that already and it hadn't worked then either. "But it did hurt Jen, it was like you leaving me all over again. And there was still nothing I could do about it." He let out a breath, trying to let go of the memories too.

"I can't believe it's been three years Jenny. Three very long years. Leon's doing okay I guess, but the office just isn't the same without you in it. Heck, I even miss Cynthia trying to put me in my place. I-we'd give a whole lot to have you back Director."

He looked out over the grassy expanse covered in white, gray, rust coloured, and black tombstones. Too many losses, too many hurts, too many buried memories. Gibbs rested his hand on the monument and pulled a small wooden heart out of his pocket to lay at the base.

"You ever tell anyone about this, I'll deny it," he warned the woman he still loved. "But this is for you. Maybe it will make for some of the time we missed." Turning away, Gibbs wished it didn't still hurt. "See you around, Jen."

At the base of the monument the wooden heart lay, one scripted word on the front - "Jenny". And two more words on the back - "Always, Jethro."

Gibbs slowly walked down the hill again, left empty by his visit. It had been three years. They were all still standing. But too many important people had died and he still wished it was all a bad dream.


End file.
